Remembrance
by MsHologramRibs
Summary: Sirius is dead. How does Remus deal with that? And how does Sirius deal with his own death? A Wolfstar fic.


**Disclaimer: The Harry Potter world and all Harry Potter characters belong to J. K. Rowling and strictly to J. K. Rowling. **

**Written for The Quidditch League Fanfiction Competition, round 3, for the Chudley Cannons. **

_**Write about your OTP dealing with a death**_

**Prompts used:**

**(5) unravel (word)**

**(9) crystal clear (phrase)**

**(11) flashback (narrative device)**

**Remembrance**

_Remember_, the word kept whispering itself into Remus Lupin's head but he didn't want to remember. Merlin, he didn't want to remember. The pain was too great, it was as if someone had stabbed him repeatedly in the chest. Was his heart still beating? Or did that die along with all of the hope and love he had once felt? He didn't know. The color grey kept flashing through his mind. Grey eyes that held such mischief and then... nothing. Those brilliant grey eyes reflected nothing. That's what killed Remus when Sirius died. The fact that there was nothing, he was gone, and that was that.

Remus clawed at himself, the full moon was near, and he had no one to accompany him. There was pain. That much was clear to Remus. But besides the physical pain there was an emptiness that ached deep inside him, begging for attention. Remus would not give it. He couldn't. He couldn't lose himself in despair, not now. No matter how much the chambers of his heart ached, no matter how much his stomach growled, no matter how much his head spun, he could not lose himself. Not now.

_Remember_, the word was wallowing in his brain. Remus gritted his teeth and shook his head in his hands. No, he would not give in. He would not give in…

_"Honestly, Moony, you could do way better than that," Sirius challenged as a Ravenclaw girl walked away from them. She had just asked Remus out on a date to which he didn't reply. Sirius grinned broadly but there was a hint of stiffness there as if the whole encounter bothered him. Remus shrugged his shoulders thinking about how bad he felt. He couldn't date the girl, he was gay. And he wanted someone else, someone with black shaggy hair and grey eyes. Remus shook his head as if it would get rid of the direction his thoughts were taking. _

_ "I want someone else," Remus blurted out, instantly regretting it. Sirius, James, and Peter stared at him. _

_ "Well, who?" James asked. Remus shrugged his shoulders and started walking away from them._

_ "It doesn't matter," Remus replied stiffly. Sirius was at his heels. James and Peter were late for class and left. But Sirius, always Sirius, was there. Remus stopped walking and turned around._

_ "Are you alright, mate?" Sirius asked with a tone of urgency. Remus disregarded it. Sirius Black was not concerned about him. Remus shrugged his shoulders once again. But then Sirius placed his hand on Remus' cheek and tilted his head to look at him. Remus was surprised. _

_ "What does it matter?" Remus bit out, all too aware of Sirius' hand on his face. Sirius frowned and drew his hand away. Remus bit his lip and looked towards the ground. Sirius stood there silently. What was going through his mind? Remus wondered and came to no conclusion. Then Sirius smiled and tilted Remus' head back up to look at him. _

_ "You matter," Sirius said before he kissed his best friend. Remus was in shock. Sirius Black was kissing him. Sirius Black was kissing him. Padfoot was kissing him. Remus relaxed into the kiss as Sirius caressed his neck. They pulled away, only because of lack of oxygen. Sirius was smiling like an idiot and Remus was awfully confused._

_ "How did you know?" Remus asked and Sirius chuckled. _

_ "I didn't. I just took the chance," he replied and then went in for another kiss._

Remus cringed. He didn't want to remember, especially their first kiss. It was painful. It was painful to the point where Remus was crushing his own ribs with his arms. Anything so he wouldn't remember. He was starting to unravel in his own thoughts. He was coming undone and Remus screamed.

. . .

Sirius Black woke up to darkness. The last thing he remembered was the spell that his cousin had cast and then nothing. There was nothing. Sirius stood in the dark and squinted his eyes as if somehow that would let him see. Sirius spun around but the darkness was everywhere. Where was he? Sirius took a few steps but nothing changed. Then it hit him. Everything was suddenly crystal clear. He was dead. Everyone Sirius left behind suddenly flashed past his eyes. Harry, poor Harry. He had lost so much already and now this. Sirius felt guilt constrict him. He shouldn't be dead. He should be there, for Harry.

And then there was him. Sirius fell to the floor in realization of it all. He had not only left Harry, his godson, but Remus as well. Remus, Remus, Remus, the one person that kept him alive while he was in Azkaban. Thoughts of the one he loved were enough to keep him somewhat sane. Sirius wanted to punch something. He punched the ground. But the pain coming from his knuckles wasn't enough to mask the pain he felt inside. The last time he felt this pain was when James and Lily died. But he was the one dead. Yet still, just as Harry and Remus lost him, he lost them as well. He will never get to see Harry grow up into a man and have a family. He will never hear the soft laughter of his Remus. He will never get to see him again.

All there was was this darkness. Sirius cried and screamed for what felt like ages. He didn't want to be dead. He didn't want to be dead. It was while Sirius was on the floor that he saw it. A flash of light in the distance.

"_Sirius_," a voice whispered. Sirius stood then for the voice reminded him of Remus. He ran towards the flashes of light. _Remus_.

. . .

Remus was curled into a ball. He was exhausted, he hadn't slept yet. He was suppressing all feelings of grief, because he didn't want to believe it. He didn't want Sirius to be dead. Merlin, he didn't want him to be dead. But he was.

Sirius could see Remus through the flashes of light. He could see him on the floor, crying. Sirius yelled for Remus but Remus couldn't hear him. How could he? Sirius was dead. Sirius felt an ache in his chest at the sight of Remus. He wanted to be there. He wanted to be the one comforting him. Hell, he wanted to be alive just for him.

Remus sobbed into his hands. The pain was becoming unbearable.

"_Remember_," Sirius whispered. Remember me, he thought. Sirius desperately wanted Remus to remember, to remember that he loved him.

"_Remember_," Sirius whispered again. Remus took a deep breath and let it out. He sat up and glanced around the room. The pain was still there. _The pain was still there_. Sirius stared desperately into the light that was showing him all this. Yes, he thought, remember me. Remus stared at his hands as if they were foreign to him. _Sirius_.

_"Ten fingers, all perfect," Sirius declared. He was lying next to Remus on their bed. Remus tried to pull his hands away from Sirius' grasp but Sirius wasn't letting go._

_ "Stop," Remus said but then gave up. Sirius was now tracing the lines on Remus' hands. He caressed every scar that blemished the skin as if it were satin. He looked at Remus. _

_ "I love you," Sirius blurted out. Remus stared at him. _

_ "No, you don't," Remus replied pulling away from Sirius and rolling over. Sirius propped himself on his elbows and looked over at Remus._

_ "Yes, I do, why won't you believe me?" Sirius was desperate. Remus turned to look at Sirius. _

_ "Because I'm not a person somebody loves. I'm a monster. I don't deserve you. And you deserve way better than me," Remus admitted. He was trying very hard to hide the fact that his lip was trembling. He would not cry. Sirius just stared at Remus. He crawled over to Remus' side of the bed and looked down at him. _

_ "I'm not just somebody who loves you. I'm a man who has fallen absolutely and deeply in love with you. I'm a man who probably deserves little for the things I've done. I'm lucky to even have you here. Every full moon in Azkaban was __**torture**__ because I knew I couldn't be there for you. I couldn't be there and it __**killed**__ me inside. All I ever wanted was you," Sirius was on the verge of crying. He had never said these things before and saying it now, well, it hurt to revisit that pain. Remus stared into Sirius' eyes and then he locked his hands behind Sirius' neck and brought him down for a kiss. They kissed gently as if the other would break. When they pulled away for air, Remus smiled._

_ "I love you too," Remus whispered. Sirius smiled. _

Remus let out a breath of air as if it were his last. Remember, the voice kept saying and so Remus remembered. He remembered every moment with Sirius. And somehow that cooled his pain just for a little bit.

Sirius watched Remus with tears streaming down his face. He was dead, yes, but he could still love. And that love could keep anyone alive. Sirius looked around again at the darkness. He didn't know where to go next. Would he be able to see other people? Sirius glanced back to the light showing Remus.

"_I love you_," he whispered. And in that moment Remus thought he heard Sirius. Remus hugged his arms and closed his eyes.

"I love you too," he said aloud. Sirius returned to the darkness and Remus to his grief.

. . .

**A/N: So I cried while writing this. Literally cried. I hope you liked it! – MsHologramRibs **


End file.
